False cheeses

It has come to our attention that remote parts of Europe are creating counterfeit cheese. The faux dairy product, known on the streets as "brown cheese", "darkdairy" or simply "quack", has been known to sell for in excess of twice the price of the normal, industry standard yellow cheese.

Providing the user, or "cheese gobbletarian", with a much faster cheese-hit than regular cheese, it's easy to see why back-street dairies and illegal fromageries are pushing this evil shite. However, they don't realise the addictive qualities of brown cheese. Hardcore gobbletarians can often be found outside the shops, early in the morning, waiting for them to open in order to get that next fromage-fix.

Police are to launch "operation cow-nuke" later this week, to stop all cheese at it's source.